Our mutual friend told me about your struggles. I do not want to pry, but I would love to correspond with you—even connect you with someone close to your area—if you are willing. Pepper me with questions if you like.
You need to know that you are not alone with your doubts. You probably know enough Bible to remember the lean times experienced by people like Elijah and John the Baptist. Christianity is not only reasonable and defensible, its strong refuge is the best place to run when in doubt. During storms of doubt I have often run to what I know for sure.
Let me recommend a couple of books by Lee Strobel: The Case for Faith and The Case for Christ. This is from a man who started with unbelief and turned to Christ.
I would recommend a church or Christian ministry in your area but I am not sure what part of town you are living in. I will wait to find out.
One thought and I will leave the ball in your court: Faith is not a quality we feel first and foremost. It—even in its weakest form—must have a reliable object or it is worthless (e.g., people put great faith in untrustworthy leaders, security systems, cars, etc.). Tiny faith in a great God is all that is necessary.
We are living in a sin-cursed world and are consequently like the married woman who complained to her husband that the two never sat close in the car anymore. From behind the wheel he asked, “Who moved?”
The glory of God is his constant, heavy presence that does not change when we ignore it or even rebel against it. He is there whether you like it or not. He is faithful though we are faithless.
I have asked God to show himself to you. I hope you are looking for him.