"Let the thrill go—let it die away."

I am adapting this entry from my comments on a chapter in C. S. Lewis's Mere Christianity entitled "Christian Marriage." It is from a note I sent to our college-age young people in another blog (that you probably do not read). It primarily surrounds the urging of the unmarried (at that time) Lewis to contrast loving with being in love. The quote in the title above forms the basis for my comments.

First, by this statement Lewis combats “shacking up” and other forms of intentionally arousing sexual passion in someone to whom you are not married. People who believe they are “in love” may set aside responsibility because the feelings of being in love are so intense. People who love their boyfriend or girlfriend rather than being in love with them know that stirring passions that cannot be satisfied righteously is unloving. They should “let the thrill go” because they are dooming the future of something God created to be enjoyed in its proper context to a guilty pleasure. Lewis effectively illustrates with food. When we want the thrill without the responsibility, we are like bulimics who binge and purge to avoid the natural consequences of overeating. Sexual experimentation outside marriage is relational bulemia. It makes the “feast” of marriage a guilty pleasure instead of a motivation to bless the Lord who gave it to us.

Next, by this statement Lewis combats the divorce problem. The biblical teaching on marriage is not first and foremost good because it helps marriage. It is good because it is marriage that helps us see the relationship God has with his people. God is not “in love” with us. He loves us. And it is not being in love with someone that prepares you for the commitment required for a 50-year (lifetime) marriage. It is loving someone even when the original feeling has waned. Loving someone makes you to keep the contract and, yes, even savor the sweetness of the contract. People who love each other can have productive disagreements because they quarrel with a resolution in mind rather the end of the relationship. The idea of going their separate ways is off the table because they honor the contract more than they honor the thrill. People who are merely in love quarrel selfishly, fearing the loss of the feeling and the person who brings it.

Finally, by this statement Lewis combats the controversy over biblical marital roles. It is not the thrill of being in love that makes a man love and lead his wife or moves a wife to joyfully follow her husband. Loving headship and joyful submission are not for the benefit of the male sex but for the stability of the world that is founded on the family order. The thrill that Lewis says needs to die rarely produces situations that require loving leadership or joyful submission (please read that twice). For example, that young man who is such a good leader in deciding which movie to attend on Friday night should also be evaluated by the way he acts when he is required to inconvenience himself to serve others. That picture of feminine charm may look good on your arm at the movie theater or at a concert but what is her attitude when it is her turn to deal with screaming babies in the church nursery? This is why I urge young believers to identify potential mates by observing them in situations that require unselfish service and even stressful problem-solving. He needs to show his love by humbly accepting the responsibility that comes with leadership. She needs to love by joyfully serving under the authority of another. Some couples get along great so long as there are dating diversions to keep them from addressing real life. Long-term relationships run in orderly ways that transcend difficult relational trials because more is at stake than the thrill.

Letter to a Young Single Man

Lanny:

I have been thinking about you and putting myself in your shoes. You need to know how similar our backgrounds and personalities are. There is hope in learning your problem is a sin identified in the Bible because then you have a solution. Jesus died to rescue us from sin. I do think the primary reason for the conflict with your parents and depression is because of your undisciplined personal life. God designed you with a conscience in your soul that works like the nerves in your body. There is a warning signal when things are not right.

It is this idea of discipline that I want to address with you. Generally speaking, this is the time of your life that you become what you will be for the rest of your life. That is why the way you respond to the biblical counsel you get now is vital.

I know all too well that sexual temptation is intense when a man is 19. I want to help you fight that battle. I think the combination of unfulfilled desires and a lot of disposable time is dangerous. The abundance of impure images available to your eyes or already in your mind are like gas on the fire.

Paul warned Timothy: “Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.” He also said, “train yourself to be godly.”

In those areas where you have behaved sinfully you need to humbly repent before God and those you have wronged. Then you need to establish some good habits to keep you from going back down the same road. Paul calls it "putting off" and "putting on." Would you consider a challenge to let me help you set some goals during this year you are taking off of school?

Some ideas to consider:

1. Beyond your regular (and indispensable) devotional time, develop a list of Christian non-fiction books you know would be a challenge to read, but also good for you. Set aside twenty minutes each day (even during lunch breaks) to work that goal. It might even make people ask questions if you are reading a Christian book. I recommend you start with Desiring God by John Piper and Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Elliot.
2. Talk to your pastor about finding a place of ministry at your church to pour many hours into (college ministry, teaching kids, doing research for your pastor, starting something new or making something old better). Whether you realize it or not, you have a lot of valuable time on your hands because you are single and not in school. To use it for selfish ends primarily playing video games or watching movies is a tragic waste of a precious gift God gave you. Jesus died to rescue us from selfish living.
3. Develop goals for your money (like saving for a house or land) and get yourself on a disciplined budget. My forced savings plan I started when I was in my twenties is why my wife and I were able to come up with a significant down payment for our house.
4. Find recreation that requires something of you. When it does not consume you, recreation can be productive. I have observed that men who are passive in their free time are typically passive with the rest of their lives. Working hard is good, but so is playing hard. Hunting, fishing, running, weight lifting, and making things with your hands are worthy things to keep you engaged during free time.
5. Make out 3x5 cards with Scripture verses pertinent to your current temptations. Take a few minutes every day to review them all. You will be surprised how quickly you start calling to mind what God says when you need it most. Start with 1 Corinthians 10:13, 31; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-12.
   

Every one of these pieces of homework could be simply an outward diversion unless they are driven by the highest motivation: a love for your Master. He is worthy of a disciplined life.

Hope for a Depressed Thief, Part Two

Jordan...continued

I want you to consider God’s diagnosis of what is going on inside your heart. I know enough of your background to say that I would be surprised to read in the paper that you were arrested and charged with retail theft. I know that you would bristle at the thought of that. However there are other ways to steal.

Just like Jesus taught that hatred is heart murder and lust is heart adultery (Matthew 5:21-22, 27-28), he also taught that stealing is more than stuffing a DVD into your shirt at Wal-Mart. Listen:

For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God; and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things, just as we also told you before and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification. So, he who rejects this is not rejecting man but the God who gives His Holy Spirit to you. (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8, emphasis mine)

It is that word “defraud” that I want you to see. You could substitute the words “cheat” or “swindle” or “con.” I honestly think that you fall into this category for these reasons:

• You stole from your employer because he had to go without services he hired you to perform. Instead having you, a trained staff member, complete a task, he had to get a less-than-satisfactory job done when you were not there to carry your portion of the load.
• You stole from your girlfriend when you became “too physical.” You may claim that you did not go “all the way,” but any sexual pleasure you get from her robs her and her future husband (even if you think that future husband is you) of something that belongs only to them.
• You stole from your parents and your church because as a member of both of those families you selfishly kept back simple service that should have been theirs because you thought you were too busy to serve (busy playing games and doing what pleased you).
  

I do not intend to judge you, but God’s word is the best judge of any of us. What does this text say? Because you have repeatedly turned from the instruction you grew up with, I give you the words of the Holy Spirit written about Jordan through the apostle Paul: Jordan “is not rejecting man but the God who gives His Holy Spirit to you.”

You may question what I am about to say, but I think I have your attention now. There is a solution to this problem. Jesus did not die for victims of other people’s sins. He died for sinners. If you think the things you are going through right now are the fault of someone else, I am not going to be able to help you. But if you are one of those sinners, I can offer you hope for a solution. Jesus died to rescue sinners from their sins. Thieves are sinners. Jesus died to rescue thieves from their stealing. Here is one text that gives the way out:

He who steals must steal no longer; but rather he must labor, performing with his own hands what is good, so that he will have something to share with one who has need. (Ephesians 4:28)

Here is the bottom line. You need to find your pleasure in a better place. Follow the logic of the text I just gave you:

• You do not stop being a thief when you stop stealing, but when you start doing something useful with your hands.
• You do not start doing something useful with your hands until you have an internal desire to share with those in need.
  

I will take you elsewhere in Scripture to show you that you will not have that internal desire until there is a fundamental internal transformation that only comes when you run from the judgment you deserve to the mercy provided by the one who died to rescue people like you from things like stealing.

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. (2 Corinthians 5:16-21)

The gospel of the Redeemer who conquered sin and death turns thieves into givers. It makes you do useful things with your hands for the good of others who need what you do.

My call to you, Jordan: run to the only one who can not only rescue you from the judgment you deserve, but to the only one who can rescue you from yourself.

Hope for a Depressed Thief, Part One

Jordan:

You have given me a great deal of information and first let me say that I know you are hurting. I want to assure you that the kind of depression you are experiencing is all too common and that I have great hope to offer you.

Just to list some of the information you gave me about why you are so depressed:

• You were fired because you regularly decided not to show up for work. Aside from the legitimate excuses like your sudden illness and your car trouble, you admitted to skipping out on work numerous times to be with your girlfriend and sleep late because you stayed up watching TV and playing video games. This is not the first job you have lost because of this.
• Your girlfriend has broken up with you saying your relationship was “too physical.” You have threatened suicide in an attempt to get her back.
• Your parents want you out of their house because they say you do not help. Your church ministry and attendance is only because of house rules and even that has ceased despite pleas from your parents and pastor.
  
  

When I offer you hope, you should know that I am not talking about finding a place to live, landing another good job or getting your girlfriend back.

You claim to be a Christian. You certainly do have a good grasp of things that are in the Bible and can even point to a time when you prayed to ask Jesus into your heart.

Please follow through with what I am about to say. I am calling your profession of faith into question. I have one primary reason: Your life has shown a pattern of delighting most in the things that please you and you have consistently run from the consequences rather than turned from the sinful behavior.

Christians are not those who have prayed the right prayer but those who have turned from sin to Jesus Christ. That does not mean Christians are sinless but it does mean Christians do not live in sin. First John 1:5-8 says:

This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us.

In the Garden of Eden (a story you know very well) Adam and Eve had one main passion: delighting in the living God and what he had provided (food, home, family, fellowship…). The first time that main passion was replaced (by a piece of fruit), the whole problem started. The Bible calls it idolatry and it shows up in innumerable ways among Adam’s kids.

In your case, the guilt you are feeling right now is in part because you are guilty of a specific kind of idolatry. It is called stealing. Let me explain.

To be continued...