Letter to a Young Single Man

Lanny:

I have been thinking about you and putting myself in your shoes. You need to know how similar our backgrounds and personalities are. There is hope in learning your problem is a sin identified in the Bible because then you have a solution. Jesus died to rescue us from sin. I do think the primary reason for the conflict with your parents and depression is because of your undisciplined personal life. God designed you with a conscience in your soul that works like the nerves in your body. There is a warning signal when things are not right.

It is this idea of discipline that I want to address with you. Generally speaking, this is the time of your life that you become what you will be for the rest of your life. That is why the way you respond to the biblical counsel you get now is vital.

I know all too well that sexual temptation is intense when a man is 19. I want to help you fight that battle. I think the combination of unfulfilled desires and a lot of disposable time is dangerous. The abundance of impure images available to your eyes or already in your mind are like gas on the fire.

Paul warned Timothy: “Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.” He also said, “train yourself to be godly.”

In those areas where you have behaved sinfully you need to humbly repent before God and those you have wronged. Then you need to establish some good habits to keep you from going back down the same road. Paul calls it "putting off" and "putting on." Would you consider a challenge to let me help you set some goals during this year you are taking off of school?

Some ideas to consider:

1. Beyond your regular (and indispensable) devotional time, develop a list of Christian non-fiction books you know would be a challenge to read, but also good for you. Set aside twenty minutes each day (even during lunch breaks) to work that goal. It might even make people ask questions if you are reading a Christian book. I recommend you start with Desiring God by John Piper and Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Elliot.
2. Talk to your pastor about finding a place of ministry at your church to pour many hours into (college ministry, teaching kids, doing research for your pastor, starting something new or making something old better). Whether you realize it or not, you have a lot of valuable time on your hands because you are single and not in school. To use it for selfish ends primarily playing video games or watching movies is a tragic waste of a precious gift God gave you. Jesus died to rescue us from selfish living.
3. Develop goals for your money (like saving for a house or land) and get yourself on a disciplined budget. My forced savings plan I started when I was in my twenties is why my wife and I were able to come up with a significant down payment for our house.
4. Find recreation that requires something of you. When it does not consume you, recreation can be productive. I have observed that men who are passive in their free time are typically passive with the rest of their lives. Working hard is good, but so is playing hard. Hunting, fishing, running, weight lifting, and making things with your hands are worthy things to keep you engaged during free time.
5. Make out 3x5 cards with Scripture verses pertinent to your current temptations. Take a few minutes every day to review them all. You will be surprised how quickly you start calling to mind what God says when you need it most. Start with 1 Corinthians 10:13, 31; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-12.
   

Every one of these pieces of homework could be simply an outward diversion unless they are driven by the highest motivation: a love for your Master. He is worthy of a disciplined life.

Which Dragon?

Bernice,

You came to me with some struggles you are having. The fact that you brought them to me lets me know you recognize that God's Word has answers for problems like yours. I see that as positive and can give you great hope for the struggles you are in.

Let me list back to you some of the information you gave me and then I will attempt to "connect the dots" biblically.

• You are having trouble letting go of the unbeliever you were dating.
• Your relationship with the unbeliever you were dating put you at odds with some other women in your apartment building and now you want to move.
• You are involved in a non-Christian singles group.
• You are having trouble paying your bills and have filed for bankruptcy.
• You bought a car on credit when you were already having trouble paying your bills.
• You owe money to a number of creditors, but you admitted to having $900 saved in a lockbox to enable you to move.
  

I realize you gave me a lot more information, including your chronic depression, but let's start with what we have. As I look over this list I see a common thread to which I need to alert you. Based on your response to the circumstances in your life I am guessing you have not considered what I'm about to tell you.

Let me start by pointing out that our trouble as sinners begins with our desires. It has been that way since the Garden of Eden. When I ask you questions about what you really want, you respond by telling me that you want to get out of debt, get away from the gossips in your building and find a husband. Not one of these desires is an evil in and of itself. No one likes debt, slanderers or loneliness. What I want to point out to you is that you want each of these things so badly that you are willing to sin in order to get them. They have become idols in your life. Please consider these thoughts:

• God's Word says, "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers," yet you persist in pursuing relationships with unbelieving men in unwholesome places even though your conscience troubles you about it.
• God's Word says, "The wicked borrow and do not repay," yet you are pursuing a legal status that will release you from your obligations to your creditors and permit you to continue spending what you do not have.
• God's Word says, "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." Rather than seek forgiveness for the ways you have wronged the other ladies in your building or refusing to be bitter toward them for their wrongs, you have set aside money you could have used to pay your debts in hopes of escaping your problems in another apartment building.

Bernice, what dragon are we trying to slay here? You claim to be a disciple of Christ, so I am guessing the cause of your depression is your troubled conscience rather than something chemical or genetic as you have been told.

The problem is not debt and old biddies and loneliness. It is the heart of a woman who has deceived herself into thinking that material possessions and men can bring more satisfaction than living a life that pleases God. If this sounds like a serious accusation to you, let me assure you that it is. Your two masters hate each other. Even if a very nice man with lots of money came and paid your debts, married you and took you away to a nice house with lots of things, the dragon would remain. I am asking you to give serious consideration to your need to repent and plead with God for victory.

I think we can talk about learning to replace old, bad habits with new, godly habits and investigate practical ways of reducing debt, but right now I want you to see our great God. I want you to recognize that you will never be satisfied with any earthly joy as long as you think there are joys better than following God and letting him decide what you need to be happy.

I'm looking forward to our next conversation.